*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
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Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
even bears disappoint their mothers
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.