Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
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I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Spring of Deception
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?