“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
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Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.