People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
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[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.