I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
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Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
when someone rings the doorbell
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.