People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
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My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Kidney stones? Hard pass
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.