I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
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i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
I found your tweet-up…
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.