I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
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Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
this is the most humiliating day of my life
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.