No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
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The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
I hope this email finds you in a well
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.