“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
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I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Any refunds available?…
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever