“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
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The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Damn what did I do next
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.