COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
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Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*