[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
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Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.