Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
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Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions