bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
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Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.