Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
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Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear