everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
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Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.