Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
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Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’