[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
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Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Best seat on the street 😍