[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
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Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
twitter users today:
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.