Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
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The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Stop.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.