why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
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[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
*Seductively hides in the woods
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.