Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
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Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.