How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
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Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe