if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
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What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*