“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
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I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”