13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
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Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
I think this cat is broken
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
doing your own taxes
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
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ME: finally a program for me
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
My wife has the worst taste in men.