Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
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If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet