*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
You Might Also Like
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
me opening up to someone
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?