Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
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I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Not today
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.