U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
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My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?