You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
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Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Are you ok, human???
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.