Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
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me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Challenge accepted.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear