I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
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The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
#Caturday
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process