any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
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Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
me and who
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.