Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
You Might Also Like
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
That’s enough internet for the day
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
❤️🦆
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.