Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
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My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?