The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
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My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.