“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
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Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?