I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
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if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME