I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
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Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.