My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
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He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
This is I, Robot all over again
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?