Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
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ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.