what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
You Might Also Like
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.