Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
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[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
remember
only for emergencies