Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
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me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation