I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
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Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz