Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
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incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
(True)
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
bro what is going on at twitter
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”