Needless to say…*
*mic drop
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I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.