I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
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me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled